“Good morning. Welcome to Staples. How may I help you?”
“Well, I twisted my ankle and I was hoping to get some treatment.’
“I’m sorry, we can’t help with that. However, if you need a driver’s license or an OHIP card we could process that for you.”
“The thing is, my local ER is closed, so I thought maybe now that you guys are providing government services …??”
“We’re actually directing people to Tim Hortons for that sort of thing.”
“Are they providing medical services?”
“We’ll no. At least not yet. But, I mean, who doesn’t feel better after a hot bowl of chicken soup?”
“I guess I’ll just wait until I can see my family doctor. I’m currently on a waiting list to sign up. They tell me it might be just a few more months or, at worst (sob), years.”
“That’s the spirit. For now, are you sure I can’t help you with some documents?”
“Well, my OHIP card is coming due, maybe we could renew it while I’m here?”
“Sure, but I’m going on break right now. In the meantime, would you be interested in some printer paper or maybe some envelopes? We’re supposed to be monetizing these visits.”
“Forget it. I’m just going to go home and put some ice on my ankle.”
“We sell ice packs in aisle 7.”
“No. I’m out of here. I’ve got to go pick up my kid from daycare.”
“How much are you paying for that? I’m not supposed to say anything, but the province is planning to give the contract to Cineplex. You’re kids can watch movies all day for 10 bucks a head; it’s the only way they could ensure enough staff on site.”
“Qualified staff?”
“Well, to make popcorn, sure.”
“Look, I don’t have time for this, I’ve got to file my income tax return, or are you doing that now?”
“Nope, that’s federal. And don’t worry, they won’t mess with that. They’ve got to make sure to collect enough taxes to pay for all the services the government provides.”
“Do you sell Tylenol?”
“Aisle three. But it’s not cheap. Been a big rush on it lately for some reason.”
