I am so glad you weren’t here to see this. I’m glad nobody saw it.
Now that I have neighbours again, I admit I was a little paranoid that someone somewhere was watching me from their bedroom window, maybe filming me for some blooper reel on TikTok (please tell me if this did indeed happen and I’m famous now).
It was 5:30am. I was taking my dog, Scout, out for her morning romp in the backyard. I figured nobody would see what I was wearing, since hopefully, nobody with a view of my yard would be awake yet. Besides, my blue polar bear jammies are adorable and my barn boots are too.
What I didn’t anticipate was the thin layer of ice that formed on the wood deck because of the rain the night before. It was all good until I stepped off the bottom stair, onto a pile of wet leaves that had gathered there.
My right foot slid forward on the leaves before the left foot was even off the stairs, sending me slamming into the wall of the house, then propelling me forward so that I flipped backward, both feet flying up in the air while the rest of me came crashing down hard. I used my right arm to attempt to break the fall. Surprise, it didn’t work. Bam. Ouff.
It all happened so fast, but I can still see it in slow motion. Had I witnessed this dynamic fall myself, I’d be in fits of laughter. As it were, I was not laughing. I was immediately aware that I couldn’t get up. Every part of me from my shoulders to my knees screamed at any attempt, so I lay there, contemplating my fate.
To her credit, Scout eventually returned, sniffed my face with her wet nose and hot dog breath and, upon determining I was still alive, went back to investigating squirrels. I lay there realizing I was really and truly unable to get up.
I wondered how long I would lie there before the Carpenter, now on his second cup of coffee, would come outside to see what I was up to. I think we both know the answer: a very long time.
The headline would read: “Woman in polar bear jammies found stranded on deck due to teeny-tiny layer of ice and lazy raking habits. Dog found safe.”
I had some interesting thoughts while lying there. The line, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” was only funny in the commercial. Can you actually break your bottom in half? If I called into work to tell them I couldn’t come in because I’d smashed my arm and also my bottom, would I have to endure the jokes for days? (Quick answer: absolutely).
It felt like years, but it was probably mere seconds before I decided to slide my polar bear clad body to the edge of the deck, where my legs could dangle, so I could find footing. Then, carefully, I rolled over to my left side and pushed myself up with my forearm. Making sounds that were in no way lady-like, I got myself to a standing position, then walked like Frankenstein back up the deck stairs into the house, bruised in ways I will not describe and hurting in places that may not heal, but grateful nothing was technically broken.
The Carpenter didn’t realize I was missing.
As such, the headline would read exactly as I have written.
