In my last column I talked about the inevitability of finding ourselves in “the valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23:4) when once again our relentless foe comes near to inflict death – our own or that of a loved one.
I suggested when death looms we have a choice: surrender to its power and doom, or see the journey as a rich opportunity to celebrate the awesome gifts of life and love God has given us. I gave some suggestions, not as an expert but as a long-in-the-tooth pastor, for how to experience a depth of living – love, joy, peace, faith, hope, meaning, affection, reconciliation – that is uniquely only possible when life is fully lived in the looming shadow of impending death. In today’s column I want to offer some more suggestions.
1. Let being together ‘in the valley’ add strength, depth, and healing to family and friendship relationships. Say “I love you” often, but not in the shallow way so often done today. Avoid the flippant “love ya.” Look each other in the eyes and with genuine emotion say these magical words we all want to hear and be true. It WILL be uncomfortable at first but becomes more and more precious as you learn to express it from the depths of your soul. Speak easily and gratefully to your loved one(s) about what you have appreciated about them and how much you will miss them. As appropriate and/or with permission touch and hug one another often.
2. Close upon #1 is this: seek peace and reconciliation with your loved one(s). Call to mind things you have to say sorry for and then say it with genuine, sorrowful contrition. Ask each other if there are unreconciled issues/wrongs/memories between you that you would both like to resolve before death comes.
3. Don’t waste any emotional energy wondering why or feeling hurt by those people who you thought would be there for you but who can’t or won’t do so. Focus on and be grateful for the people who are willing to be with you “in the valley.”
And if you want to be helpful be sensitive to what WILL be experienced as helpful. When my brother’s family was being showered with casseroles in their time of need, my eight year old nephew finally blurted out: “Why can’t they just give us money for pizza?”
4. Recognize that as fragility increases and death nears, the dying one’s world gets smaller and smaller and increasingly they want and need to spend their limited time with their closest loved ones. Ask casual visitors to call before coming and don’t be afraid to decline visits if the dying one doesn’t have the strength/stamina.
5. Recognize that in every culture the most important events in life (eg. births, birthdays, weddings, baptisms, deaths, etc.) are celebrated with rituals that have been developed over the generations to enrich the experience by helping people be together well and providing deep/religious understanding and meaning. Anointing with oil and celebrating communion with the dying loved one can be very healing even if death is inevitable.
Public visitations in the funeral home, church or home – I deeply dislike the term “viewing” because the purpose isn’t to ‘see’ the dead one – are a powerful time for family to be together and to hear from the visitors about their appreciation and love for the departed one, and for the community to gather to show support for the family.
Funerals are meant to encourage both grieving at the loss and celebration of the life, and to make the presence of God the Giver and Receiver of life palpable to the mourners. Beware of trying to avoid grief by insisting it be only a ‘celebration of life.’ Many years ago when my cousin died a very agonizing death of cancer just a year after giving birth to her long awaited and only child, the minister smiled as he began the service and then insisted we did not need to grieve because Nancy was in a better place. So there wasn’t any visible grief until he walked away from the grave after ending the committal service. Hardly anyone moved, there was silence, and then the weeping and wailing and lament and tearful embraces began because our human spirits intuitively understood that there was much to grieve about here. This is especially true of untimely, early or tragic deaths, but always true to some extent because death means parting and learning to live without the presence of the loved one.
6. Recognize that grief is hard emotional and physical work that can be exhausting. Take good care of yourself by getting enough rest and sleep, eating healthy, and allowing others to be a support and help to you.
7. Especially with tragic, early or untimely deaths, eschew speaking platitudes to the bereaved. Avoid “I know just how you feel,” “God must have needed a new angel,” “God is in control,” “God has a plan” etc. After her 5 year old died an excruciating death from a tumour on his esophagus that gradually choked him to death a woman in one of my congregations left her previous church because people wouldn’t/couldn’t JUST be with her in the deep pain of her loss and instead mouthed the above platitudes and another – worst of all – “you must have a very strong faith for God to test you so.”
One of the secrets of living with abundant joy and peace is coming to the understanding that death is strong but God is stronger, that death is a door, albeit often a painful one, that nevertheless ushers us into eternity in the presence of God, as long as we have said yes to His invitation to believe and live in Him now.