In the small congregation where I am the pastor there are suddenly two people in palliative care – in the process of dying because of severe health issues. And they are much too young to die – both less than 74 years of age.
It came as a shock to them and their families and friends. Suddenly they found themselves walking through “the valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23:4) – once again life has been hijacked by our relentless foe death.
A lot of people want very much to avoid the dying process – “I hope I just die in my sleep and not wake up one morning.” But all of us will experience a season of dying, either our own or that of a close loved one.
When we do, we have a choice: surrender to the power and doom of death, or see and live it as a rich opportunity to celebrate the awesome gifts of life and love we have been given. Obviously the former option provides only fatalistic resignation to the inevitable, whereas the latter choice can help the individual and their family/friends to experience a depth of living – love, joy, peace, faith, hope, meaning, affection, reconciliation – that is uniquely only possible when life is fully lived in the looming shadow of impending death.
I am not an expert on this but after 40+ years of pastoral ministry experience I have some suggestions for making this journey through the ‘valley of the shadow’ as full of meaning and fulfillment as possible.
1. Be willing to grieve: death especially too-early death isn’t fair and robs us of life and love and people. The normal and healthy response to such loss is grief: tears, sighs, anger, mourning, lamenting, etc. Grief is not optional. Avoided grief comes back to bite us in forms such as anger, bitterness, depression, etc. Grieving is natural, healthy and healing both as dying is happening and afterward. Fear of grieving often leads to fear of intimacy and love, out of fear of being vulnerable to another loss bringing more such deep pain.
2. Be comfortable to talk about what is happening: Being willing to talk about what is happening – death – is a powerful way to remove a great deal of the sting of death. Appropriate humour is also helpful: once just as I was going into surgery Lorna, a family friend who was an OR nurse, lessened my wife and my anxiety by casually sharing a common OR joke that pops up especially when things are not going as hoped – “Inevitably someone will say ‘don’t worry the bleeding always stops.’” Being able to talk about the dying that is happening helps turn it into a communal shared experience and brings people closer together.
3. Let God embrace you: The ‘valley of the shadow’ is holy ground. It is the place where life and eternity are separated by a thin membrane, with a door waiting to open. Here most of us have no difficulty recognizing that there is great mystery to our birth, living and dying, and we have incentive to forgo the shallow distractions of life and ponder our life’s meaning and purpose and destiny. In such holy space it becomes easier to recognize the existence and presence of the God who created all things and gave us life and to whom the dying one’s life is returning. Christian faith says that especially amidst the onslaught of death God is near – very near – yearning to give His love, grace, comfort, strength, peace, and hope. And God assures us that while death may be able to kill our body, He will eternally protect and claim our spirit:
“Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? … No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:35-39)
4. Remember life is of God, death is of the Evil One: Death was not God’s original intent for creation, and in the end ‘death will be no more’. But in this in-between time the Evil One and his forces have great power to inflict death and suffering on humankind. Especially the deaths of children and innocents, too-early deaths, deaths involving great pain and suffering, deaths caused by heinous crime and cruelty, etc. are not part of God’s plan but the fruit of the Evil One’s intent. Jesus said “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” (John 10:10-11) In the midst of death find your comfort and peace in the God who sealed the fate of death by raising His Son from the dead, and will raise all of us with Him at the end.
I will have more suggestions in my next “Reflections” column.