One of the ways we have learned to cope with things that are tough is through denial.
This is true not only as individuals who cope, but also through our community and culture. In North America, we generally value comfort, control and productivity. These values are upended by topics like death and grief.
To cope with the pain, lack of control and impact of grief in our productive lives, we have set up a culture that denies many of the realities of grief and loss. It is our cultural hope that in eliminating signs of death and grief from our view we can just will away its existence.
Unfortunately, death and grief are more common than birth. In fact, we grieve many things in our lives, and not all are tangible. We grieve not only people, pets and work but also hopes and dreams.
In the past, and in many cultures around the world, communities have set up structures, practices and rituals that invite people to recognize loss. These practices encourage conversation around what it is to grieve and normalize this mysterious process of reorienting one’s life after loss.
Many of these practices have been all but erased from our day-to-day experience of life in North America. This often leaves people uninformed about what grief is and how it feels. Many feel more comfortable keeping it out of sight and out of mind … that is until it forcefully invades our personal reality.
The problem is this leaves those grieving feeling lost. Grievers find themselves in a world that looks familiar but feels utterly alien. They may not have the words to share their experiences and feel out of place, and out of sync with those around them.
Their loved ones might also feel uncomfortable and uncertain about how to provide helpful support, and bring back the stability that everyone had before the loss. While the intention of wanting someone to feel better is good, the result is often not the desired outcome. This can make grievers feel as though what they are experiencing is not normal, that something is wrong with them.
This, of course, is the result of the myths of grief that we have built around ourselves to hide the uncomfortable realities of death and loss. Rather than all the things we do and say that are counter to grief, consider these common realities of the natural experience of grief.
When we experience a significant death, our lives change. There is no rule of who is allowed to be impacted or in what ways that loss changed their lives. This is determined the same way that a snowflake’s shape is determined. A snowflake’s shape is determined by millions of factors from the second it formed all the way until its final resting spot. Similarly, there are millions of factors that you may be aware of, as well as some that may never cross your mind, that impact the shape in which your grief develops. Your age, situation in life, other losses, stresses, beliefs, cultural practices, other priorities, your relationship with what has been lost…
Regardless of whether you feel comfortable with the experience of grief or not, it exists. It is a biological, emotional, social and spiritual process designed to reorient ourselves when we become aware that the world has fundamentally changed for us. You are presented with the experience of grief that you need simply because you need it.
Finding ourselves in a new world has big implications for us physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually. It is natural to experience disruption in any of these parts of ourselves. Grief is not just a conscious process. It is not one that can be fast tracked or worked through as a checklist during your three-day bereavement leave, or even a year or many years after.
The invitation of grief is a lifelong process of living in this new reality. Understanding the normalcy of grief and holding yourself and loved ones with compassion is key to living a life touched by loss.
If you would like support, contact Here 24/7 at 1-844-437-3247 or your local hospice facility.
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Kaitlin Cantrell is a bereavement coordinator with Hospice Wellington. The “Open Mind” column is sponsored by community partners who are committed to raising awareness about mental health, reducing stigma and providing information about resources that can help. For local mental health resources/information, visit mdsgg.ca or call 1-844-HERE247.