July is my birth month and my zodiac sign is Cancer.
Believe what you will about horoscopes, but I think there is some validity to the pseudoscience of astrology.
Let me tell you what’s awesome about crabs.
Stop it. This is not a joke about sexually transmitted diseases. I’ve heard enough punchlines about the itchy-scratchy results of such indiscretions in reference to my sign every July of my adult life. Gross.
Of course, it doesn’t help that the astrological number associated with my sign has been the subject of entire chapters in tantric techniques.
At least that’s what my friend told me. What? I’m not blushing, you are.
Let the record show: crabs are sexy. What’s not to like?
We make the best friends, the most loyal of spouses and are nurturing souls centered around family and the friends we adopt as such.
We are creative types, which makes us expressive, playful and fun to be around. We have twisted humour and love to laugh.
As sensitive souls we are deeply impacted by art, so don’t take us to a performance or movie and expect us to be okay. We’re not okay. Pass the tissues.
Do not mistake our sensitivity for weakness, though. Ever. It’s our superpower. The world needs people like us. You need us too.
We will fluff your ego, keep your secrets and are kind to people around us always, so we up your good karma count just by osmosis.
If we create a playlist or send you a song that we’ve picked just for you, please understand the assignment. Listen to the lyrics. It’s a test you want to pass.
We are excellent communicators all the time, whether you wish to communicate with us or not. Should you choose the later, you should expect three-fold of the very communication you are trying to avoid. Resistance is futile.
We are honest because we are terrible at lying, but rest assured, we know when you’re lying to us.
Don’t mistake our kindness for blindness. We see all, we know more than we say, and we put up with a lot of nonsense until we snap, kind of like a crab leg at a meal in a fine restaurant.
You know that sound?
Don’t make us snap.
We forget nothing, so gaslighting us crabs is pointless. I speak for the rest of my astrological species when I say we are a work in progress on the whole forgiveness thing, but we never forget a thing.
I’m sure you’ll hear people stereotype us Cancers as moody, sensitive and prone to pouting. Humph. Whatever. Eye roll.
Like our zodiac creature, we will pinch you when we’re angry and then retreat to our shell to pout and ponder why you are so mean, why everybody is out to get us, and why nobody understands us. It’s a pity-party for one, thanks.
Coaxing us out of our shells is as easy as shaking a bag of potato chips and putting on a classic film, like The Big Chill (that may only work for me). Hugs also help.
My fellow crabs, happy birthday to you. I wish us all a year of personal growth and happiness.
To the rest of you astrological signs, please take care of your crabs. (Yep. I wrote that. Giggle.)
