Enough already. Cold and flu season be gone. I’m soooo done with you.
I am not complaining. I am grateful the worst thing we’ve dealt with in our family are colds and flu bugs that will eventually go away. I am grateful I have access to health care, a hospital in town with good doctors, and a gamut of professional resources available for whatever ails us.
I was reminded of that luxury after a four-hour stop at my regional hospital last week, with a sick child in my care. All around us, people were looking anxious about having to wait their turn. I get it. Being sick is not fun. But honestly, I took it all in stride. I would much rather have a hospital with trained staff taking care of my child, then be in another part of the world where no one would help us. Time slows down when you have a sick child. Sometimes we need to be reminded how lucky we are.
But I learned something about myself that I was not proud of: the duality of my mother’s guilt. It hit me at bedtime on Sunday night. I am ashamed to admit this, but when my kids are sick I know that, as the lowest income earner and the nurturer (by default), I will be the one missing work the next day. I know the ramifications that will follow.
No matter how much the Carpenter and I are a parenting team, there are inequalities in our roles. Nothing points that out faster than a sick child. It’s not deliberate; it is just circumstance.
One parent earns more money or has a job with more responsibility and that parent goes to work while the other stays home to hold down the contaminated fort (single parents, you have my utmost respect for your ability to perform dual roles).
When I became a mother, I swore I would always put my family first. I have, except to do so ironically means not doing so. Giving our families what they need, like a roof over our their heads, food on the table and buying new shoes for their fast-growing feet takes money. Then, of course, I need a vehicle to get them places, because I chose to live in a suburban community without transit.
After the everyday living expenses, as you all well know, there aren’t a whole lot of luxury items affordable.
Living here, putting my family first, comes at the cost of needing two incomes.
For the Carpenter and I, for the choices we’ve made, it takes two to keep the boat afloat, and even then, we each have paddles and a bucket in case the unthinkable happens, like the dryer breaks or worse, the car; then it’s Titanic ruin.
I confess, I like what I do and I want to go to work. It doesn’t mean my kids don’t matter though. So the guilt becomes white noise. It never shuts off.
The duality is the guilt for wanting to have a career – and the guilt for not being able to be 100% present for my kids. It’s a choice to live how we live, but it is not easily made. I have no solution.
Nobody does. But today my kids learned that no matter what, they are the priority. I still made a few deadlines.
The world continued to spin. Tomorrow, I’ll figure out how to cope with the rest.