It goes without saying that I adore my Carpenter. He works hard. He is a good man. He still gives me butterflies in my stomach that cannot be confused with gas. So, this Christmas, I am thinking only of his needs.
I am asking Santa for a reliable crew to help the Carpenter get a few things finished around the house. To inspire Santa, I’ve written a parody of my favourite flirty Christmas song:
Santa baby, slip a plumber under the tree for me,
I’ve been such a patient wife
Santa baby, just toss him down the chimney tonight.
Santa sweetie, if I could have an electrician too,
That would do
I’ll wait up for him dear
Santa honey, I’ll show him our fuse panel tonight.
Think of all the renovations I’ve missed
Think of the poor Carpenter’s
attempts to resist
Next year it would be oh so good
If the unfinished bathroom was ticked off my list
(please do, please do).
Santa honey, I’d like a sauna
that gets really hot
Really that’s not a lot,
I’ve been an angel all year
Santa baby, slide some cedar down my chimney tonight.
Santa cutie, there’s one little thing I really do need,
the deed
To an unlimited credit line
Santa sweetie, drop that down the chimney tonight.
Santa baby, fill my stocking with hardware gift certificates to outlets
Hardwood flooring would be fine
Santa sweetie, stuff that down the chimney tonight.
Come inside and you will see,
The place is like a bomb
went off all around me
I really do believe that you
Would want a finished
bathroom for me too
(you do, you do).
Santa baby, forgot to mention
ceramic tile, a pile
To finish two rooms at once,
Santa lovie, gently lower it down the chimney tonight.
You see? It really is better to give than receive. Merry Christmas, Carpenter.