My invitation did not arrive. I was not on the Royal Wedding guest list. It’s okay. I understand. Weddings are hard to plan and you simply cannot accommodate all your family and friends, even if you choose the buffet over a hot plate option. These events are very costly. But I do have a gift to offer the young bride: advice. Buckle into your carriage princess, this is going to be a bumpy ride.
Let’s start with the wedding itself. I suppose it is way too late to elope. Had you asked me sooner, I’d have seriously recommended that. It’s not like your new family doesn’t own the best island getaways for such an occasion. But now you’ve gone and invited your entire family and all their dysfunctional baggage along, not to mention the most unusual guests, like Sir Elton and Madonna, too. So, best you learn now how to deal with them.
Just accept that someone in your bloodline will seriously embarrass you. It’s always best to be prepared. You have security right? You know that uncle who insists on kissing you and all your female relatives on the lips at every family function? Have him turfed, immediately. Or, better still, wait until he makes a play for Camilla and let the Scotland Yard fellows do it for you.
Also, if you happen to have an aunt affectionately known as the crazy cat lover, be sure she doesn’t bring her own special flask of happy juice in her sequined purse. Watch out for the tarty female cousin too; you know, the spoiled favorite child with the fake tan and forced cleavage who arrives at your wedding in a white strapless gown in a desperate attempt to upstage the bride. Might I suggest you tell those secret-service people that she is hiding explosives in her bra, and should be frisked like a war criminal?
Oh, what I wouldn’t have done for such opportunities at my own wedding.
I realize too that you are exchanging traditional wedding vows. For your sake, I hope they’ve been revised to present marriage as an equal-opportunity contract. I suppose the Archbishop of Canterbury is a lot more intimidating than our Father Brian was, but try not to giggle. It is the most important moment of your day. Speak those words from the heart. Saying them is the easy part, living up to them is the challenge.
Now, as for the wedding night, you’ll be exhausted. It will take you half an hour to get out of that designer gown, and another hour to pull the bobby pins from your hair. Prince Charming will be off at the pub with his mates, leaving you to sort yourself out. Forget about sexy lingerie and rose-petal sheets. Slip into some plaid flannels, wipe off the layers of make-up and eat potato chips in bed until you fall asleep in the crumbs. It’s best to let him see what the next 40 years is going to be like. Reality is far more beautiful any way. Keep telling him that.
Your honeymoon adventure will likely be more romantic than mine. The Carpenter and I lodged in a chalet in the woods during hunting season. When they handed us the keys and said, “If you go out walking, wear orange,” we realized we should have upgraded our plans. I’m sure your vacation will be exquisite.
Be happy, Princess Catherine. Your carriage (and destiny) awaits.