GUELPH – Four people recovering from eating disorders shared their stories during the 19th annual Faces of Recovery event.
The virtual panel, hosted by the Waterloo-Wellington Eating Disorders Coalition, drew 75 attendees on Feb. 8, the last day of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.
The panelists spoke about life changes and pressures that impact their eating disorders, the support they receive, and the ups and downs in their ongoing recovery.
Between 840,000 and 1,750,000 people in Canada face eating disorders, according to the National Eating Disorder Information Centre.
(Panelists are referred to by their first name only in order to protect their privacy due to sensitive content.)
Onset of symptoms
All of the panelists’ eating disorders started in school.
Kendra’s appeared in university, while she was doing everything in her power to feel like she was “succeeding and doing well in school.”
But in reality, she said, she was struggling – and the one thing she could control was food.
Before long she dropped out, moved home, quit her job, and “simple daily tasks were way too much to handle.”
Natalie’s disorder started in elementary school, when her parents were constantly worried about affording food.
When Natalie went through puberty earlier than her twin sister, she went “from feeling small to feeling like the bigger twin.” She said she felt nothing was in her control, so she ate less to save money and take up less space.
In university she started binging to cope with stress, which eventually led to “binging and purging” every time she ate.
For Natalie, feelings of shame and embarrassment led to secrecy and lies.
Her eating disorder was so consuming it prevented her from having interests or the energy to socialize with peers. She felt isolated and convinced herself she didn’t like being around people.
Her family “walked on eggshells” around her, “afraid that if they pushed me too much I would get upset and starve myself.” Her education had lots of interruptions – due to her eating disorder, depression and suicidal thoughts.
Chloë was an energetic, creative, and high-achieving student, involved in extracurricular activities like dance and gymnastics, she said.
She was a perfectionist and struggled with self esteem and body image, and these challenges increased with puberty.
Chloë said she tried “eating healthier” to feel better, but restricting food made her feel exhausted, lonely and cold.
Jaymee said in Grade 11 she attended high school, worked two jobs, volunteered, maintained good grades, and was surrounded by friends and family.
“With all these exciting and productive activities came so much anxiety,” she said, and eventually she spent eight months as an eating disorder outpatient.
Her story is impacted by her identity within the 2SLGBTQIA+ community.
She was always afraid of people saying she looked like a boy or dressed like a lesbian, and felt convinced if anyone found out she “wasn’t a straight girl” they would think she was “attracted to them and pull away.”
Jaymee carried “these unresolved anxieties around sexualities” into university and her career, she said.
Treatment, recovery and relapse
Kendra got help from the Homewood Health Centre and then the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA), and continues to stay connected with a psychotherapist and psychiatrist.
“Knowing my history and that life can change and pivot at any moment, there is such a sense of security knowing I have a support system I can lean into when I need it,” she said.
Chloë first got treatment after her gymnastics coach noticed she was struggling.
“I really didn’t think anything was wrong,” Chloë said, but “fortunately this coach was eating disorder informed, and did not give up.”
He connected Chloë with a counsellor and she attended an outpatient eating disorder program at McMaster that was “life-changing,” enabling her to graduate high school and go to university.
Natalie’s experience was different, and she said day treatment was “largely negative,” as it was too rigid. So she was “often labeled a difficult patient,” and she had to convince her treatment team that she was engaging in behaviour she wasn’t proud of.
She had to sign a contract promising to eat the same foods she ate at the hospital at home, which was “not fair to ask” of her Vietnamese family.
She felt “just couldn’t do recovery right,” and moved from “one problematic behavior to another,” switching purging with restricting and restricting with exercise.
Once she started treatment with the CMHA, Natalie “learned about emotion regulation and acceptance,” which really helped her, especially learning “there was no one right approach to treatment or recovery.”
Where they are now
Jaymee relapsed in her eating disorder recovery once during university when she was 22 and then again after graduating and moving in 2019. Her last treatment program ended in late 2020.
“When I was sick I was not able to be my authentic self,” Jaymee said.
But through recovery she was able to begin to embrace her sexuality, tell the truth about her illness, and foster stronger relationships.
She is now in a happy relationship, uses her love for cooking and yoga to help her stay in recovery and is “even able to take care of two cats and my dog, Goose.
“I like this version of Jaymee,” more than she ever thought she’d like herself, she said.
Kendra completed her education, works in a field she’s passionate about, and is married with two children.
“Recovery may feel like a huge mountain to climb at times, but it is possible,” Kendra said.
“Trust that the baby steps you are taking along the way are making a really big impact.”
Chloë publishes a regular blog at https://chloegrande.com where she educates others about eating disorders and recovery.
She was “really, really overwhelmed” when her first blog post received an outpouring of support, especially from others with eating disorders.
That made her realize “maybe I could provide support for other folks who are navigating this tricky road.”
Recognizing her worth outside of her appearance has taken time, but “support with other survivors and advocates has been huge… we truly aren’t alone with our struggles,” Chloë said.
Recovery is not a destination, but a journey, the panelists noted. They will always be in eating disorder recovery and have learned to accept the ups and downs that come with that reality.
