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Updated Christmas carols

by Patrick Raftis

One of the most difficult aspects of the festive season comes when radio stations hit the point where they decide it is time to go all Christmas music, all the time.

While traditional carols are great - some of the most fun, beautiful and meaningful tunes ever written - you’d have to be an elf or an angel not to dive for the off switch by the time you’ve heard Madonna sing Santa Baby for the 300th time.

Perhaps that’s the problem: there aren’t enough new Christmas songs to fill the void between classics, which also get a little tired from over exposure. Maybe the old time tunes just need a little freshening up to be more relevant in today’s  world? So in the spirit of the season, here’s a few retooled tunes with a nod to current events.

Ontarians will go the polls in 2018. Here’s a cautionary tale for the new PC leader Patrick Brown.

God rest ye Tory gentlemen let nothing you dismay,

Remember Wynne’s unpopular, so just try not to say,

Anything to let the voters see where you might go astray,

Oh tidings of Tim Hudak and John Tory, and John Tory,

Oh tidings of Tim Hudak and John Tory.

If you’ve put on your kerchief and cap and tried to settle down for a long winter’s nap, but just can’t fall asleep, it’s probably Donald Trump’s fault. Try humming this while counting falsehoods:

It came upon a midnight tweet,

that craziest call of all,

@realdonald said he would blow us all up

just to see the Rocket Man fall.

Peace on the earth?

Sorry not no more,

His policies just make no sense

Who thought we ever would see the day,

the world would long for Mike Pence.

Meanwhile, Liberal supporters thought they were in for clear sailing when the federal party, under a new leader, finally managed to unseat longtime Prime Minister Stephen Harper and his Tories.

It hasn’t exactly worked out that way.  

Have a healthy, selfie Christmas

It’s the best time of the year

We’ve got Trudeau,

So I guess, you know,

We’ve nothing to fear

Oh no the missiles go,

trade deals are in the dump

That election platform sounded good

‘til we ran into Trump.

Okay, maybe they won’t replace the originals, but it could be worse. Be thankful I’m in print, not radio - at least you didn’t have to hear me sing them. Merry Christmas!

 

December 15, 2017

 
 

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